Mad at Myself

I am at this weird stage, a state of being where I know that I have so much to do and so much on the line, yet bringing myself to complete tasks is extremely difficult. I procrastinate, finding anything but my work to occupy my time. Why?

Many reasons come to mind, but the most obvious reason is simply burn out. Part of me is testing the system to see how little I can do to get by while still succeeding. Is that selfish? After so many years of going above and beyond, I think I need a short break (read Thanksgiving, Christmas). This semester has been hell with 13 credits, teaching a general chemistry lab, teaching an anatomy lab, dissecting cats and cadavers, grading, independent research, chemistry club obligations, contract web work, house remodeling work, tutoring, oh, and not to mention applying to medical school. I’m pissed at myself because part of me knows that list is long and takes up most of my waking hours, but I require some down time just because I am getting more burnt out being in my fifth year here at UNR. Unfortunately, that down time requires that I push off some things a little bit. Is that wrong?

I don’t think so because there comes a point when it all isn’t worth the effort because the work is being done for the sake of doing the work and nothing else—and that’s a bad thing. Still, I get frustrated when I rush to complete all this crap last minute, like my physical chemistry problem set tonight (its currently 1:30 a.m.). I finished it, but one problem was giving me so much trouble, and I began thinking about how I put it off all week, knowing full well it was due today. I was really mad at myself.

Now, though, I’m not so mad: it’s finished, and I have convinced myself that taking a break is a good thing. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Now, off to bed for a few hours before starting anew. See you later and have a great day!