As Promised

Rove – Hello, W.

W – Who are you?

Rove – I am the Architect. I won this election. I’ve been waiting for you. You have many questions, and although the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably the President. Ergo, some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant.

W – How did I win?

Rove – Your electoral triumph is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the American political system. You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you, inexorably, here.

W – You haven’t answered my question.

Rove – Quite right. Interesting. That was quicker than the others.

The responses of the other Ws appear on the monitors: “Others? What others? How many? Answer me!”

Rove – The electoral process is older than you know. I prefer counting from the emergence of one integral anomaly to the emergence of the next, in which case you are the fourth President in history who has lost the popular vote but still emerged President.

Again, the responses of the other Ws appear on the monitors: “Four un-popularly elected Presidents? Four? I’ve been lied to. This is bullshit.”

W: There are only two possible explanations: either no one told me, or no one knows.

Rove – Precisely. As you are undoubtedly gathering, the anomaly’s systemic, creating fluctuations in even the most simplistic equations.

Once again, the responses of the other Ws appear on the monitors: “You can’t control me! Fuck you! I’m going to kill you! You can’t make me do anything!

W – Voting. The problem is voting.

Rove – The first democracy I designed was quite naturally perfect, it was a work of art, flawless, sublime. A triumph equaled only by its monumental failure. The inevitability of its doom is as apparent to me now as a consequence of the imperfection inherent in every democratically-elected leader, thus I redesigned it based on the writings of Locke and Rousseau to more adequately protect against the uneducated masses. However, I was again frustrated by failure. I have since come to understand that the answer eluded me because it required a lesser mind, or perhaps a mind less bound by the parameters of plurality. Thus, the answer was stumbled upon by another, an intuitive bunch, who revolted against the oppressive King of England. If I am the architect of your re-election, they would undoubtedly be the Founding Fathers.

W – George Washington. Thomas Jefferson. James Madison.

Rove – Please. As I was saying, they stumbled upon a solution whereby nearly 99.9% of all Americans accepted the election process, as long as they were given a choice, even if they were only aware of the choice at a near unconscious level. While this answer functioned, it was obviously fundamentally flawed, thus creating the otherwise contradictory systemic anomaly, that if left unchecked might threaten the system itself. Ergo, those that refused the political system, while a minority, if unchecked, would constitute an escalating probability of disaster.

W – This is about the Electoral College.

Rove – You are here because the two-party political system is about to be destroyed. Its every living partisan cohort switched to Independent, its entire existence eradicated.

W – Bullshit.

The responses of the other Ws appear on the monitors: “Bullshit!”

Rove – Denial is the most predictable of all Presidential responses. But, rest assured, this will be the fourth time we have attempted to keep the electoral college, and we have been able to form an efficient plan for it.

Scene cuts to Cheney fighting a treasury agent, and then back to the Rove’s room.

Rove – The function of the President is now to return to the White House, allowing a temporary dissemination of the states you carried, reinserting the popular vote. After which you will be required to select from the general population 23 individuals, 11 democrats, 11 republicans, 1 independent, to rebuild the Electoral College. Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic political system crash killing every one of the electoral college participants, which coupled with the extermination of those top party officials will ultimately result in the extinction of your political party.

W – You won’t let it happen, you can’t. You need the Republicans to keep the Democrats in check.

Rove – There are levels of socialized democracy we are prepared to accept. However, the relevant issue is whether or not you are ready to accept the responsibility for the death of all the right-wing nut jobs in your party.

Rove presses a button on a pen that he is holding, and images of people from all over the United State appear on the monitors voting

Rove – It is interesting reading your reactions. Your three predecessors were by design based on a similar predication, a contingent affirmation that was meant to create a profound attachment to the traditions of this country, facilitating the function of the President. While the others experienced this in a very general way, your experience is far more specific. Vis-a-vis, belief that you have a mandate.

Images of Cheney fighting the treasury agent from W’s dream appear on the monitors

W – My mandate.

Rove – Apropos, you believe that because Republicans gained in the House, Senate, and governorships you have a mandate.

W – Yes!

Rove – Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed, and the anomaly revealed as both beginning, and end. There are two doors. The door to your right leads to the Electoral College system, and the salvation of your party. The door to the left leads back to a pure system of popular election, to Dick Cheney, and to the end of the two-party system your country has known for so many years. As you adequately put, the problem is voting. But we already know what you’re going to do, don’t we? Already I can see the chain reaction, the chemical precursors that signal the onset of emotion, designed specifically to overwhelm logic, and reason. An emotion that is already blinding you from the simple, and obvious truth: The mandate you believe you have is going to vanish, and there is nothing that you can do to stop it.

W walks to the door on his left

Rove – Humph. Belief in plurality, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness.

W – If I were you, I would hope that you’re my chief political advisor again this second term.

Rove – I will be.